1990. It wasn’t too long ago that 30 year old Joe Montaperto was a rising young comic on the New York City circuit - performing with the likes of John Stewart and John Leguizamo. Now, he sits in his childhood bedroom of his parent’s New Jersey home, babbling endlessly to his ever-present Napoleon statue at three in the morning. The only time he laughs these days is watching reruns of the old 60s TV series - Lost In Space. And he’s afraid of napkins.
Desperate to find meaning in his life, his decade long journey leads him to a lengthy and rigorous stint at a Tibetan Buddhist monastery, and a tumultuous, yet undeniably exciting relationship with a spiritual bipolar woman.
When she later dumps him for a heroin-addicted jazz musician, he returns to the world of catering, wandering the city streets brokenhearted and aimless. During his strolls, he becomes increasingly appalled by the proliferation of Starbucks, and driven by outrage, decides to become a social activist. He creates a one-man show as his form of political protest (Four Degrees of Disconnection), and is surprised by the successful reception. It seems he is back on the road to stardom.
Until 9/11.
Will he ever overcome his fear of napkins? More importantly - will he ever get out of catering alive?
Nobody gets out of catering alive
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Reviews
“The crazy part, though? I am having this conversation with a statue. Seriously. I’m not kidding. My Napoleon statue. Yeah. And it’s 3 o’clock in the morning.”
Even as a read this sentence merely on the first page of the book, I was instantly hooked. I have been in this position all too well, talking to something, Inanimate object, a pet, ancestors above, just anything and trying to reason that you can accomplish something, you can be one of those people accomplishing their dreams, that aligns to yours.
The thing is you have to go through obstacles, take chances, have spiritual moments, break down a few times, (or many times) to find where you fit in this crazy, complicated life full of moments where you break down, are at your lowest, and just have to rebuild yourself back up. You have to find happiness in the little things, break down and cry at the hard points, and learn to regrow. You learn from your past but don’t repeat those mistakes, and just take it all, take everything in, because that’s life. This book truly changed my outlook on where to go from here, where to not fall back into, and where I want to be in the future.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.”
“Thanks to #NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with a digital copy of this book prior to publication in exchange for my honest review.
Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive, written by Joe Montaperto, is the story of his journey to become a comedian. While others are becoming famous, he finds himself, in his thirties, living with his parents in New Jersey. He is picking up catering jobs to earn some money but is spending more money on commuting than he is making, not to mention the hours he is working is time he cannot spend trying to make it big in the comedy world. Interspersed throughout the book among his catering and comedy jobs are descriptions of times spent at various retreats, such as a Buddhist monastery or the Omega Center looking for spiritual enlightenment. This book is funny, whether he is telling a story about a catering mishap involving a salad, describing returning after a five month absence to the apartment he shared with his girlfriend only to find out that she had moved out and an older couple was now living there or his description of chickens and roosters. These stories alone are worth the cost of the book.
Ultimately though, this is the story of Joe and his quest for love, purpose and finding his place in the world.”
“The Memoir is quick to read and thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Unstoppable book.
The author has a good sense of humor and makes the readers laugh and also gives insights on his crazy life journey. Totally entertaining and also inspires us through the wisdom gained from the learnings at monasteries, different working experiences, adventures, meditation, passion, and education.
The descriptive narration of his vision, catering business, relationships, determination in performing a one-man show, and overcoming the hurdles in life makes the memoir lively.
I loved the sequence in which he performed the challenging characters of ``Four Degrees of Disconnection” inspired by real-life and how life can totally change in a minute.”
“Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive is a humorous memoir written by Joe Montaperto. Joe always knew he had the gift to be a top comic but what happened? The other comics he had started out with were now-famous names — and him? He was thirty years old, living in his parents’ house in Roselle, New Jersey, and ruefully watching as each pass through his once glorious curls left him more convinced than ever that he was indeed losing his hair. The highlights of his life now consisted of watching old movies and reruns of Lost in Space. What indeed had happened? His parents weren’t taking his decision to return to the nest lying down. They demanded that he get a job. It didn’t really matter that the cost of commuting and hours spent getting to his catering jobs barely made those jobs worthwhile. But as his thirties rushed along together, and he found himself facing the dreaded fortieth decade, his dreams were still unachieved. No college, no training, what could he do? He knew that he had the stuff to be just as big a comedic success as those others he had started out with. He just needed to get writing and develop his routines.
Joe Montaperto’s memoir, Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive, is a well-written and entertaining look at the trials and tribulations of those stand-up hopefuls, the ones who were warned not to give up their day jobs. I especially enjoyed those looks at his early thirties. The catering scenes are packed with humor and ample loads of self-deprecation. The only issue I had with this book was that the author’s comedic material frequently appears without warning, leaving me a bit confused as to how we went from Joe’s memoirs to something completely different. They are all marvelous creations, but a more rigorous tie-in to the memoir would have made me feel less at a loss sometimes. Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive is recommended.”
“Joe’s a comedian, but my gosh does he write with style! This book follows catering (did the title give it away?) yet is super raunchy and hilarious. All of Joe’s books always knock my socks off, but this one was a real treat! If you’re looking for a memoir full of hilarity, insanity and realism, this book should be perched up on your shelf.
Comedy at it’s finest.”
“At the end of Patti Smith’s deeply moving, award winning biography Just Kids, the creative genius Robert Mapplethorpe, dying of AIDS in a hospital bed, looks up to his longtime soul mate and asks, “Patti, did art get us?” fade to black as a hooded diaphanous smoky black wraith sweeps the streets of Jersey City, ducking in and out of taverns searching for the soul it most wants to capture. It stops suddenly, hovering menacingly, as Joe Montaperto, laughing while nursing a beer at a local watering hole, turns with sudden seriousness and faces his familiar attacker.
No One Gets Out of Catering Alive is the third in a trilogy of Joe’s life adventures fighting off the dark forces that have tried unsuccessfully to take the shapeshifter down, for Joe is the embodiment of Art itself, so enter his world of words at your own risk, for they will change you. Some may not make it out, seduced by his myriad personalities, whether New Mexican desert star cheating death by spending the night in a freezing river only to find the next morning the wraith has taken the life of someone else in the same vicinity, or the reader may be seduced by one of Joe’s one man show characters, such as the lonely transvestite with the heart of gold her married boyfriend Popi has no time for. As for the encounter with the wraith my money is on Joe’s sunny spirit dissipating the wraith like burning off fog.
The most affected of his readers may find themselves feeling like Barbara Stanwyck in glittery red sequin dress as she lifts her lifetime achievement Oscar and dedicates it to her late co-star William Holden from the film Golden Boy, calling Bill by by that same title name, for Joe if anything is surely deserving of a similar statuette. One can muse over the contributions of Gotham’s great writers, the Beat poets and literary giants whose statues line Central Park’s leafy promenades and hardscrabble dangerous streets, but no one brings alive those streets like Joe, for like Orpheus, as the poet Rilke wrote, “he is a herald who is with us always, holding far into the doors of the dead a bowl of ripe fruit worthy of praise.”
So do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of No One Gets Out of Catering Alive, and Joe’s other two books as well, The Edge of Whiteness, and Lovely Chaos, and take a bite out of the words of a wise sage, and bite hard, for in Joe’s mind one can get very close to immortality. ”
“A tour bus ride through a carnival zone with a Zen Rinpoche at the wheel. Each lane of American culture - whether hyped-up or decrepit - is pointed out here with fondness and hilarity. This book is a Cracker Jack box of observations, with nuggets of chewy insight. It careens around corners and crashes into the past. Get on and be prepared to be pinned to your seat.”
“Joe is a very talented writer. I have now read all three of his books/autobiographies, ‘The Edge of Whiteness’, ‘Lovely Chaos’, and ‘Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive’. There is a Alice in Wonderland feel to the books, you cannot believe what you’re reading really happened.I met Joe about 1993 through catering work. The story about Toby the captain at a job wearing fake plastic black framed glasses with no lenses is true. When someone asked him a question he would say ‘I don’t know nothin’ bout birthin’ no babies!’ I was there! All I can say is go on Amazon today and get your copy today and get ready for a ride. ”
“Let me start off by saying I can’t do a review of this book without offering a glimpse into the man who wrote it. With that said, where the hell do I start? I’ll start with the couple of names I have given him. I know this man – the first one says it all (it is a compliment for sure) Crazy Joe. And the second is Giuseppe Squadolomats. Why do I call him crazy, because he is crazy, in the best sense of the word. He’s honest, he’s legit and he’s as raw as they come. Giuseppe S? Because he is Italian and he is from New York and New Jersey. Imagine that for a moment.
To begin with, he and I met at a Tibetan Buddhist Center in Vermont. Wait a minute, CJ in Vermont and at a Buddhist Center and in Vermont. No way! But there he was. Oh, and is this guy is funny. He is his version of a stand up comedian. Worked his ass off to make this happen! Joe is no phony! What you see is what you get with this guy. OK, enough of Joe. On to the book.
And his writing is powerful, revealing and it ain’t phony either. Joe is a tough motherfucker and as gentle as a kitten, all wrapped into one, a very simple yet complicated man.
Now the book: Nobody Gets Out Alive. Well it’s vintage Crazy Joe. Some high and mighty reviewers might refer to this book as self-indulgent. I choose to refer to it as self-honesty, brutal honesty at times. My sense his writing is his medicine. For the reader it begs you to look in the mirror; I mean really look in the mirror. What are you willing to see? Not see? Let this book by Crazy Joe be your guide, your mentor.
Let’s start at the beginning. Take a look at the cover. It says it all: notice the tiny little Buddha sitting on the road on lower right side. It says it all. The Buddha had nothing in the material world. But he did have the highway, the road, the mountains, the sky, the vastness of it all. The path, the road is long, it’s barren, yet the sky is blue and open. That’s CJ (I will now reference him as CJ). He is on his own spiritual journey, searching, wanting to find relief from his suffering, wanting to find the “truth” and is willing to put his life on the line, never taking a break.
The world according to CJ is brutal, yet there is this amazing humor, this amazing sense of life, of poetry, of women, of embracing, even a loving of being on the edge. He speaks to his anger, his love and need of women, his version of freedom, “drugs, sex and rock and roll” and is he is willing to share his deepest darkest fears. And you know what? Hell no, he ain’t working no 9 to 5 gig. He is wonderfully fearless; unwilling to conform. Chapter after chapter speaks to the power, depth and beauty of the book and the author.
I also notice he is a scammer- but what is he scamming? Who is he scamming? And why is he scamming? For example, he scams his way into staying in a spiritual community (Omega Institute) that offers him solace and a way to continue his journey and yes, even escape from the world of daily life and monotony. Oh, he lives and eats there for free, well almost free. And he meets these women at these places.
He connects, he embraces and yearns to give and yearns to receive but somewhere along the way things fall apart and there he is feeling remorse, confusion and a hidden sense of relief. Ah, he gets his freedom back. Or does he?
This urban mastermind even gets lost in the dessert while on a hike. A downpour of heavy rain hits him head on and he survives. Oh, he hears wolves howling and all the dessert has to offer that pull up your fears. He’s not shy about telling his humanness. He tenderizes our hearts, maybe without knowing that’s what he is offering us chapter after chapter. His main love in life is lying in the sun. He doesn’t care where or how he does it, he just has to do it! And this is wonderfully balanced by his sharing his dedication to meditation through the lens of Buddhism. I mean this guy has done long silent retreats with several different teachers. Long translates to 10 days of total silence and some up to 30 days. This takes dedication, commitment and even courage. It offers him wisdom, insight, patience and a softening of his heart.
Let me also speaks to his politics. He ain’t a fan of Starbucks, Monsanto, and other corporate/capitalist giants and makes no bones about it. He loves New York city because there are still a few restaurants that cater to every day Joe’s appetites (no pun intended).
And to help himself articulate and communicate to us he even attends the Henry George School of Social Science taking an 8 course certificate program which he completes. As he says, he wants knowledge because knowledge offers power. He wants to communicate and dialogue with people regarding his views.
This takes the reader to the book and the title – Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive... but somehow he manages not only to get out alive but to tell us about. His catering life is his heaven and his hell. Mostly his hell. But it’s a source of money, it has flexible work times and so on. Just what he wants and needs, to continue his search freedom!
For the final truth. This guy in this book pours his heart out. This is not gratuitous bantering this is from his heart. He is willing to put it out there, lay it on the line acknowledging and sharing his deepest fears but the willingness to do anything to keep his sense of freedom. Nothing gratuitous here with this guy. I leave you with the beginning portion of his last words:
“I’m outta here! See ya! I don’t know what the hell is going to happen to me… I’m scared shit. I just gotta get the fuck out of here. Live or die! I’m alive right now, y’know? Sitting here at JFK Airport. Next stop-Ecuador. Yeah. I’m doing it, man! I’m going, and I don’t know for how long or where. Serious. Escape all the absurd contrivances of this silly society. Looking for the real deal. I just want to actually feel ALIVE.”
I can’t top that.
My ending comment. Read this book and reread it! Crazy Joe spills his guts and asks for nothing in return. His biggest reward would be for people to read this book. Not because he could use the money. He actually could! More importantly you might get shaken to the core and open your heart and reach in there and find your courage knocking at your door!! So, I end this with one word takeaway, COURAGE!”
“Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive...is one of Joe Montaperto’s latest installments in his quick, witty and genuine display of a struggling comedian trying to make it, actually well, hell, make something of himself, for a matter of fact. This is the third in his biographical novels entailing his many ups, downs and everything in between. Starting with Lovely Chaos to The Edge of Whiteness, his third installment, Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive, takes you on the ups and downs of a struggling standup, without a little hard work and perseverance to boot nonstop.
Joe’s work contains crude humor as he takes the reader through a captivating and adventurous stroll through his life as a comedian. With his unusual, rowdy humor as a standup comedian, his book makes it easy to identify with him. Then, when it comes to his unpleasant relationships, just when he thought that he had found the right one, but no such luck.
The rises and failure in comedy that put him with his parents and then hitting rock bottom, but he hadn’t given up no matter how frustrating it got for him. It’s been a long journey, some fun and some sad, but he is still trying to find his way. Joe tells us his story about his life where he hasn’t found his grounding when most people are already settled down, working on their 401k, have a mortgage and a family. When Joe still lives off his parents and still in an indecisive situation in an under appreciated rise and fall to the bottom. This book is hilarious, sad and it’ll have you feeling the journey with Joe as ‘Nobody Gets Out of Catering Alive’.”
“If a book’s purpose is to make the reader think, then this effort succeeds on many levels. One cannot read Montaperto’s work without looking inside themselves, comparing their own thoughts to those of Montaperto and his various characters, and, sometimes, wondering if they (or we as a whole) are walking along the correct path. Montaperto is a self-proclaimed entertainer. This book proves that he is correct, because once you start reading, you will not want to put it down. On the other hand, while he often wonders while recounting his life if he is wasting his time waiting tables at parties and writing his one-man show, his stories and musings show that, in that respect, he is completely incorrect. ”
“Montaperto’s done it again! In this latest installment of Joe’s recounts of his life, we find him navigating the highs and lows of his comedy career balanced by the sublime and tumultuous periods of his life, loves and ultimate “mind snaps” that seem to go hand in hand with catering in New York City. This book is whirlwind of a read, off beat, funny and genuine material that was difficult to put down!”